Beginning with my June 2008 post "It's Been Five Years," the following is the continuing story of my travels from the United States into Micronesia ~ Pohnpei, Guam and Saipan ~ and my life since June 2003.
Sunday, August 24, 2003 ~ Pohnpei
My sister notes that Lynn and I can't stay apart long. I'm afraid it's true. I don't know. The long and short of it is that we had a great day Saturday during the day, just hanging out talking at a sakau market that belongs to Lynn's mom's cousin. But then a predictable, but avoidable, tumultuous end to Saturday, a recurring fight about her wanting to go out dancing and closing down the bar, which is OK once in a while, but not on a regular basis. She doesn't take "no" for an answer very well, doesn't cooperate on some things. If I'd said "no," we'd have fought about not going; if I'd said "yes," we'd have fought about when it was time to go. I didn't want a fight to end the day. I wound up giving her the last $7 in my pocket and telling her to take a cab, but not to come back, please. I just didn't need that. She left, and I went to sleep, then she called me around 3:30 a.m. asking me to pick her up, which I did. Don't ask why. We slept apart, and made love in the morning. I don't know if it was a goodbye love, or a getting-back-together love. It was just something we wanted, or needed. There is ... a passion ... between us.
But it's been a very pensive day for me today trying to figure out how much of the chaos I can take. I can't explain better than that right now ~ although I've said more than I would have otherwise, and if I didn't need to write about it to set my thoughts in order, I'd not have said as much as I have.
I just needed to be alone by the middle of the day, if not before, even though I thought I wasn't going to see her again after Saturday. But we'd promised to take her friend halfway around the island so she could visit her daughter, who lives with the father, and I didn't want to renege on a promise to someone who was no part of our troubles.
A very pretty drive, beautiful day, but there was negativity attached to the end of it, that was just unnecessary. Lynn's friend didn't get to visit with her daughter, because the father's some brutal jerk who wouldn't let her, and Lynn was giving the friend a hard time about her not standing up for herself more. Like the friend didn't feel bad enough already. And there were other rudenesses from Lynn to her friend that I didn't think were right. So, I got quieter, and quieter, and when Lynn asked, I told her the truth about how I was feeling from her behavior toward me the night before, and her behavior to her friend that day. We'd gone with Lynn's two kids, Lynn's friend, and her friend's boyfriend. Lynn's friend's boyfriend is 18, she's 30, he's about to go "ask permission" of the families. Very common here to have the male-female May-December age difference go that way here.
We came back to the house to pack up Lynn's stuff to take her home. We rested a while, and talked, and I took them home and came back, expecting to be alone the rest of the day until it was time to go jam with the "Mehn Why" band. I just wanted to be alone, to decompress. A couple of hours later, as I was writing this, there was a knock on the door, and it was Lynn. Very contrite about the things I said. I guess I got through to her somehow, as she says she's really going to try. We'll see. But you really have to assert yourself, and with some people around here, it's imperative that you say "no," or they'll walk all over you. Lynn's very independent and strong-willed (which, as I've said, tends to bridge the gap between locals and me), and she doesn't think through consequences of her actions. What training does she have in doing that? I'm not in this to make her into something she's not. It's about setting boundaries.
I remember once seeing an octopus killed by a Marshallese fisherman when I lived in Kwajalein. He took the octopus by the gills and actually turned it inside out. Life here feels like that sometimes ~ like someone took life by the gills and just twisted inside out. Sometimes. But I'm figuring this place out, and getting more and more accustomed to being an ex-pat. And there's opportunity here to be productive and happy, if you're smart. I'm trying to be smart.
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