Beginning with my June 2008 post "It's Been Five Years," the following is the continuing story of my travels from the United States into Micronesia ~ Pohnpei, Guam and Saipan ~ and my life since June 2003.
Monday, September 22, 2003 (continued) ~ Pohnpei
People here have so much anger and pain, at their helplessness over things they have no idea how to control, on so many levels, but they hide it behind smiles and laughter. And eventually it just boils over. In inappropriate ways. Sometimes with words, sometimes knives and machete's.
Saying "I'm sorry," doesn't change things. I'm going to hear that a lot soon from Lynn. And, yet, "I'm sorry" is an incredibly important part of culture here. I've seen how significant customary apologies are in the culture here. If someone does something to me, his family will come to mine to apologize. Mind-boggling, but incredibly effective. And maybe that's why they can sort of get away with it, in their minds. It's different from us. But there's much to learn too. Sometimes, hearing "I'm sorry" sounds shallow to our ears, but sometimes, saying and hearing it here feels more accepted and genuine than I've ever experienced before.
I'll never understand why some people pick fights with me. And I was so good to them all weekend. I really was. There shouldn't be a thing as "too good." Maybe I was. And maybe Lynn was trying to find the balance of good and bad she's used to.
People vent their fears in anger. And that's probably what she was doing. She's afraid I'll leave her in two years, whether just leaving the island or for somebody else; that I want someone with education (she's bothered by me saying she's not educated in an early email that I let her read); or that what I really want is a mehn why (ex-wives/girlfriends/a woman at the office I have no interest in); or that her family will come to love me more than her; or that the more I learn to speak Pohnpein, the less I'll need her. It's just fear. None of it is true. It's just not true. I don't know how I can stop her from feeling that way. She's created classic self-fulfilling prophesies. And she's smarter than that. And we'll lose each other to fear.
An older aunt, one who talks to Lynn that Lynn respects, called here last night looking for her and Irene and Benido. She called twice. Worried, apologetic the second time for bothering me. I told her I left Irene and Benido where they wanted to be left, and were fine, but that I couldn't say about Lynn, or even where she was, as I don't know the geography well enough. Should be some interesting talk in the village today, and I suspect Lynn is really going to get it, from more than one auntie. Some I-told-you-so's will be happy that we'll split up; others will tell her how "pui pui" (stupid) she's been to do that to me, and drive me away.
Welcome to Pohnpei.
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