Get Over It!

There are some people who just can't help but rub me the wrong way. You know the type. Fault finders. If you show them a rose, they have to say something about the thorns. What's wrong with admiring the rose and leaving it at that? Is it really necessary to mention the thorns?

You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.

~ Tom Wilson, from the comic strip "Ziggy"

Guess what? Roses have thorns. They're supposed to. Get over it.

And then there are those whose response to every indignity to their sensibilities (translation: not getting their way) is "It's not fair!" These people are constantly taking inventory and keeping score. And nursing grudges. And resentments. They are constantly comparing their lot in life to someone else's (especially yours if you happen to be in the unfortunate position of disagreeing with them at the time). You've either got it better, or they've got it worse. And Lord knows, no one has it worse than them. What a miserable way to go through life. Being victimized because life isn't fair.

Guess what? Life isn't fair. It isn't supposed to be. Get over it.

Fault finders and score keepers. Sometimes you can't avoid them, like family, co-workers, bosses, the guy ahead of you in the checkout line. You won't change them. And you certainly can't control them. It's like trying to teach a pig to sing: Can't be done and it irritates the pig. Fault finders and score keepers are just displaying their own patented brand of passive-aggressiveness. He or she is, sadly, a very unhappy person, who's not so unhappy with me as he or she is with him- or herself.

It is very easy to get lulled into a game of one-upmanship with fault finders and score keepers. I try not to allow it these days (it's not always easy). Way too negative. Never any reward. What I can try to do is Get over it! Change my reaction, change my response. I am someone I do have control over. So, I'm working on a different approach: Compassion. Not because they're right and they've got it worse; but because they're wrong and they're making it worse and don't even know it. Allowing a score keeper or a fault finder to engage me on their turf only validates a miserable way of life. There's no profit in that. I don't have to accept the premise that life is about counting the thorns and not the roses, about finding fault and keeping score. So I don't.

When I'm counting my blessings and roses, it's hard to keep score of the thorns.

05-11-08 ~ MAY MUSINGS ~ HUMILITY

My muse this month has been Humility. When I think about it, the people I most admire all have one attribute in common you don't think of right off the bat when you look at the movers and shakers in the world: Humility. I'm not talking about religious and spiritual leaders here, not Jesus, or Gandhi or the Dalai Lama, or Mother Theresa. I'm talking about men and women of stature in the law, politics, the arts and sciences, the martial arts, sports ~ occupations that by their very nature tend to cultivate sizeable egos. Most of my life, I have been accused of arrogance, and I cannot argue. But there is no time like the present to work on any particular defect of character, especially one as dangerous as lack of humility. Not too long ago I was tasked with an assignment: To define what humility means to me and to identify ways in which I can demonstrate humility. The first part I believe can be shared; the second part will be a life long endeavor, and I am certainly open to suggestion. Where to begin. Humility ~ not to be confused with our modern understanding of words like servility, servitude, or humiliation ~ is a state of grace. To accept and surrender with grace to not only the vicissitudes of life, but also to life's rewards. It is a matter of surrender of the ego, of the self, to something greater than ourselves, what some have called "God consciousness." As between men, famed martial artist Bruce Lee said, To be humble to superiors is duty; to equals is courtesy; to inferiors is nobleness; and to all, safety! So, according to Bruce Lee, humility begins with the recognition of one's "place" in the world, in the social strata, which can be many things with the same person at different times. Viewing Bruce Lee's thoughts from the perspective of those who would judge others, those who would take issue with someone's humility ~ and say the person is not sufficiently or appropriately humble ~ must necessarily feel superior to another. But why even have such thoughts? What purpose does it serve to walk about the planet so full of one's self in this fashion? Mutual and reciprocal courtesy among equals ~ and we are all equal ~ is among the sincerest demonstrations of humility. And what about this idea of "nobleness"? And the way we treat (and care for) our "inferiors." What is one to expect from one who is treated as a dog by his master? If Bruce Lee is correct, the master is not being humble when he humiliates and punishes a dog. And yet, we often treat one another that way (even, we have convinced ourselves, with the "noblest" of intentions). In fact, much of the time when we display anger or displeasure at a dog it is because the dog is not acting in a sufficiently "humble" (meaning servile) way. As the dog's master what we come to expect is not the "duty" that Bruce Lee talks about, but servitude and obedience. There is no nobility in that. Here's another way to look at it: We know that people who are depressed or in pain or in fear will manifest those emotions in incongruous ways: isolation, withdrawal, anger, sarcasm, intolerance, lashing out. And when we see those emotions, we ought not react in kind, to the emotion, but should seek to understand its source, which is nothing but ... fear. A wounded animal seeking safety is often at her most dangerous when threatened. Yes? But a "superior" being, in Bruce Lee's sense of it, who is noble in his humilty understands that the animal's behavior comes not from arrogance, superiority or lack of humility, but from pain and fear. And that being the case, is it not incumbent upon those who are in a "superior" position to approach their "inferiors" in a noble way, or at the least as an equal to whom they should extend the courtesy of tolerance and love? Is that not the way a parent should be? Is that not what we hope for in a benevolent God? Is that not the way we would hope to be when we aspire to godliness? The man who thinks he can live without others is mistaken; the one who thinks others can't live without him is even more deluded. ~ Hasidic Saying To teach your children strength You must be willing to appear weak You must renounce ambition and struggle and embrace serenity and peace. You must confess your faults and embrace your failures. You must face yourself with honesty and find the truth of your nature. ~ Martin, The Parent's Tao Te Ching Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility. ~ Saint Augustine That basic ingredient of all humilty, a desire to seek and do God's will.... ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself than of other people, nor does it mean having a low opinion of your own gifts. It means freedom from thinking about yourself at all. ~ William Temple If you think you can judge others, you are wrong. When you judge them, you are really judging yourself guilty, because you do the same things they do. God judges those who do wrong things, and we know that his judging is right. ~ Romans 2:11 Where humility had formerly stood for a forced feeding on humble pie it now begins to mean the nourishing ingredient which can give us serenity. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions To bear defeat with dignity, to accept criticism with poise, to receive honors with humility these are marks of maturity and graciousness. ~ William Arthur Ward If every fool wore a crown, we should all be kings. ~ Welsh Proverb If I only had a little humility, I would be perfect. ~ Ted Turner As expressed in most if not all religious and spiritual traditions, humility is an expression of one's relationship with one's higher power, that which some call God, though it has many names and is expressed in many ways. Humility recognizes that I cannot do it alone ~ that is, live life on life's terms. Humility may be the ultimate expression of my awareness of God, my higher power, that "God consciousness" thing. When we allow ourselves to admit that we are powerless over people, places and things, we are not giving up; we are merely recognizing our limitations ~ limitations that can never be overcome by ego and by arrogance ~ and it is only then that we can actually find a certain security, a serenity if you will, in the knowledge that we cannot do it alone ~ and were not meant to. I am finding that the more I work on my humility, the more liberated, empowered and enabled I become. Whenever I question another man's humility, or my perception of his lack thereof, I am well-advised to examine myself first. If humility is a measure of my relationship with my higher power, then unless I believe myself to be God, it is never my place to judge. It is the manner in which we treat and care for one another which demonstrates the grace of our humility. I think I'm finally at a place in my life where I can truly say that I'm working on it. I didn't say I've got it. I said I'm working on it. Lord, make me a channel of thy peace; that where there is hatred, I may bring love; that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness; that where there is discord, I may bring harmony; that where there is error, I may bring truth; that where there is doubt, I may bring faith; that where there is despair, I may bring hope; that where there are shadows, I may bring light; that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted; to understand, than to be understood; to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life. ~ Saint Francis of Assisi * (baptized Giovanni di Bernadone ~ 1182 - 1226 A. D.) * This prayer was not actually written by St. Francis, but is attributed to him, or written in tribute to him. Everyone is familiar with the Serenity prayer: God, Grant me the Serenity To accept the things I cannot change To change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference. A friend of mine who spent many years in law enforcement and was the sheriff of a sizeable county in the South before being "humbled," gave me some words of advice from his own experience confronting his own demons. He said, try saying the serenity prayer and substitute the word "humility" for the word "serenity." Try it. It's even more powerful that way, because it recognizes that more often than not I need help getting out of my own way so that I can grow emotionally and spiritually. Humility is something I ask for every day. I'm not saying I always have it. Far from it. But I'm working on it. It's something I have to remind myself to ask for every day, so it is included in my daily meditations. Two more things working on this humility thing is teaching me: It is never too late to start. And I have time.

04-09-08 ~ GRATITUDE?

One of my daily meditations goes something like this:

God [insert Higher Power of your choosing or understanding]
Take my will and my life;
Guide me in my serenity, my humility and my gratitude; and
Show me how to live, how to love, and how to give.

Some of you may recognize its origin. My contribution is the addition of the phrases seeking guidance with respect to "humility" and "gratitude," "love" and "give." It works for me. The words are not always recited in the same order; usually one will have more pull than another at any given time.

I was talking with some friends the other day about gratitude. Most of us in this over-analytical and hyper-critical world can find multitudes of reasons to be unhappy. Me? I’ve got no woman in my life; my finances are in the dumpster; my son lives with his mother, so I’m not with him everyday; my job prospects at the end of the month are uncertain; I’m being sued in excess of my policy limits for a fender-bender I had in Saipan last year; my clothes don’t fit; my back hurts in the morning from sleeping on a futon on the floor; I think my landlord doesn’t like me; I’m driving a 12 year old gas guzzler; and I’ve got another 20 years to go before I can even dream of retiring. That’s just for starters.

And you know what? It just doesn’t matter. It doesn’t. Really.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m no Pollyana. But I have begun to look at the world and my place in it differently these days. And being grateful is something that — like a smile — is so easy to do; and when I do it — and just be grateful for being grateful — the world somehow seems to reciprocate. Bad drivers who cut me off don’t offend me the way they used to. I don’t think about getting even with those who’ve slighted me. All my cares and troubles don’t go away, but they somehow become considerably more manageable. I am far more tolerant and understanding of those around me and am so more likely to be able to reach out to people than I ever was before. All because I try to remember to be grateful. I don’t dwell miserably in the past the way I used to. I don’t would’a, could’a, should’a anymore. I don’t walk in fear of what tomorrow may bring, constantly steadying myself for inevitable catastrophe. All because I’ve learned a little humility and a little gratitude.

As of April 8, 2008, there were 51 people on MySpace whose username was "Gratitude." (It’s also the name of a band, so some could be fans, or the band itself.) Google the word "gratitude." I came up with 20.5M hits.There’s a lot of people onto something out there. That has to mean something. Doesn’t it? I’m not alone in this. And I’m grateful for that, too.

RANDOM COLLECTED QUOTES ~ GRATITUDE

A contented mind is the greatest blessing a man can enjoy in this world.

*Joseph Addison

---

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

*Melody Beattie

---

Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul.

*Henry Ward Beecher

---

Got no check books, got no banks. Still I’d like to express my thanks—I got the sun in the mornin’ and the moon at night.

*Irving Berlin

---

There is a calmness to a life lived in Gratitude, a quiet joy.

*Ralph H. Blum

---

You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.

*Sarah Ban Breathnach

---

Every time we remember to say "thank you," we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.

*Sarah Ban Breathnach

---

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.

*Buddha

---

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.

*Cicero

---

In our daily lives, we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but the
gratefulness that makes us happy.

*Albert Clarke

---

Gratitude is something of which none of us can give too much. For on the smiles, the thanks we give, our little gestures of appreciation, our neighbors build their philosophy of life.

*A. J. Cronin

---

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

*Dalai Lama

---

I feel a very unusual sensation. If it is not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude.

*Benjamin Disraeli

---

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.

*Meister Eckhardt

---

Grateful people report higher levels of positive emotions, life satisfaction, vitality, optimism and lower levels of depression and stress. The disposition toward gratitude appears to enhance pleasant feeling states more than it diminishes unpleasant emotions. Grateful people do not deny or ignore the negative aspects of life.

*Robert A. Emmons and Michael E. McCullough

---

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.

*Epictetus

---

To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven.

*Johannes A. Gaertner

---

Find the good — and praise it.

*Alex Haley

---

Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot.

*The Hausa of Nigeria

---

True thanksgiving means that we need to thank God for what He has done for us, and not to tell Him what we have done for Him.

*George R. Hendrick

---

The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.

*Eric Hoffer

---

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.

*John Fitzgerald Kennedy

---

If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.

*Rabbi Harold Kushner

---

What if you gave someone a gift, and they neglected to thank you for it — would you be likely to give them another? Life is the same way. In order to attract more of the blessings that life has to offer, you must truly appreciate what you already have.

*Ralph Marston

---

Thankfulness is the beginning of gratitude.
Gratitude is the completion of thankfulness.
Thankfulness may consist merely of words.
Gratitude is shown in acts.

*David O. McKay

---

The sun was shining in my eyes, and I could barely see
To do the necessary task that was allotted me.
Resentment of the vivid glow, I started to complain—
When all at once upon the air I heard the blindman’s cane.

*Earl Musselman

---

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

*Friedrich Nietzsche

---

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

*Marcel Proust

---

To educate yourself for the feeling of gratitude means to take nothing for granted, but to always seek out and value the kind that will stand behind the action. Nothing that is done for you is a matter of course. Everything originates in a will for the good, which is directed at you. Train yourself never to put off the word or action for the expression of gratitude.

*Albert Schweitzer

---

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.

*Seneca

---

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.

*William A. Ward

---

When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity. A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude.

*Elie Wiesel

---

No duty is more urgent than that of returning thanks.

*Unknown

---

Blessed are those that can give without remembering and receive without forgetting.

*Unknown

---

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don’t know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you’re tired and weary
Because it means you’ve made a difference.
It is easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.
GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessings.

*Unknown

---

RANDOM COLLECTED QUOTES ~ INGRATITUDE

Earth produces nothing worse than an ungrateful man. [Lat., Nil homine terra pejus ingrato creat.]

*Decimus Magnus Ausonius, Epigrams

---

That man may last, but never lives,
Who much receives, but nothing gives;
Whom none can love, whom none can thank,
— Creation’s blot, creation’s blank.

*Thomas Gibbons, When Jesus Dwelt

---

A man is very apt to complain of the ingratitude of those who have risen far above him.

*Samuel Johnson, Boswell’s Life of Johnson

---

You love a nothing when you love an ingrate. [Lat., Nihil amas, cum ingratum amas.]

*Plautus, Titus Maccius Plautus

---

He is ungrateful who denies that he has received a kindness which has been bestowed upon him; he is ungrateful who conceals it; he is ungrateful who makes no return for it; most ungrateful of all is he who forgets it. [Lat., Ingratus est, qui beneficium accepisse se negat, quod accepit: ingratus est, qui dissimulat; ingratus, qui non reddit; ingratissimus omnium, qui oblitus est.]

*Seneca, Lucius Annaeus Seneca, De Beneficiis

---

Blow, blow, thou winter wind,
Thou art not so unkind
As man’s ingratitude:
Thy tooth is not so keen,
Because thou art not seen,
Although thy breath be rude.

*William Shakespeare, As You Like It

---

Ingratitude is monstrous;
and for the multitude to be ingrateful were to make a monster of the multitude;
of which we being members, should bring ourselves to be monstrous members.

*William Shakespeare, Coriolanus

---

This was the most unkindest cut of all;
For when the noble Caesar saw him stab,
Ingratitude, more strong than traitor’s arms,
Quite vanquished him.
Then burst his mighty heart;
And in his mantle muffling up his face,
Even at the base of Pompey’s statue,
Which all the while ran blood great Caesar fell.

*William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

---

Ingratitude! thou marble-hearted fiend,
More hideous when thou show’st thee in a child
Than the sea-monster.

*William Shakespeare, King Lear

---

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is
To have a thankless child! Away, away!

*William Shakespeare, King Lear

---

All the stored vengeances of heaven fall
On her ingrateful top!

*William Shakespeare, King Lear

---

What, wouldst thou have a serpent sting thee twice?

*William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

---

I hate ingratitude more in a man
Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,
Or any taint of vie whose strong corruption
Inhabits our frail blood.

*William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night, or, What You Will

---

One ungrateful man does an injury to all who are suffering. [Lat., Ingratus unus miseris omnibus nocet.]

*Syrus, Publilius Syrus, Maxims

---

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good . . . .

*Timothy 3:1-3

---

He that’s ungrateful has no guilt but one;
All other crimes may pass for virtues in him.

*Edward Young, Busiris

---

04-06-08 ~ SPIRITUALITY, NOT RELIGION

Today, I rented the video "Conversations with God," the movie, based on the writing of the book "Conversations with God, an uncommon dialog," by Neale Donald Walsch. I've had the book on my shelves for some time, but never took the time to read it at length. I thought maybe the video would inspire me to pick up the book again. The movie was OK; I can't recommend the book, only becaues I haven't read it in its entirety; but I can say it was highly recommended to me by people whose spirituality impresses me, and when I flip through it, I like what I read.

Here's a passage from the book, picked entirely at random (God speaking in italics):

A thing is only right or wrong because you say it is. A thing is not right or wrong instrinsically.

It isn't?

"Rightness or "wrongness" is not an intrinsic condition, it is a subjective judgment in a personal value system. By your subjective judgments do you create your Self--by your personal values do you determine and demonstrate Who You Are.

The world exists exactly as it is so that you may make these judgments. If the world existed in perfect condition, your life process of Self creation would be terminated. It would end. A lawyer's career would end tomorrow were there no more litigation. A doctor's career would end tomorrow were there no more illness. A philosopher's career would end tomorrow were there no more questions.

It got me thinking about a little piece on spirituality I came across on the Net about six months ago, that at this moment in my life, I feel I can really identify with. Here it is:

Twelve Signs of Spiritual Awakening

1. An increased tendency to let things happen rather than make them
happen.
2. Frequent attacks of smiling.
3. Feelings of being connected with others and nature.
4. Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
5. A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears
based on experience.

6. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
7. A loss of ability to worry.
8. A loss of interest in conflict.
9. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
10. A loss of interest in judging others.
11. A loss of interest in judging self.
12. Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything in return.

Source ~ Unknown

There's another version of the "Twelve Signs of Spiritual Awakening," written by Geoffrey Hoppe and Tobias which is a lot heavier, but worth examining.

There is, I am learning, a lot to be said for prayer and meditation. Meditation, I have learned, is about learning to listen. Prayer, I am told but had never done until recently, isn't about asking for tangible things, but about asking to be shown the way, whatever that way may be. I never used to pray, I was never really taught how. But I do now, in my own way.

Twelve-step groups, like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and all the other Anonymouses (Anonymi?), including Al-Anon, Narc-Anon, etc., place a tremendous amount of stock in differentiating between spirituality and religion. I've heard it said that "religion is for those seeking to avoid going to hell; spirtuality is for those who've been there." For myself, I am, and have never been religious; but I always felt I was spiritual. Or I thought I was. Whatever I thought that meant at the time, so long as it didn't mean subscribing to any particular faith, sect or denomination. But not believing in organized religion isn't the same thing as being spirtual. Spirituality actually takes work, practice, daily maintenance.

There are a number of 12-Step Prayers I've come in contact with in the last few years through friends who are in various recovery programs that are worth checking out. Although directed to people with problems of addiction, the prayers are in fact universal, and all one needs to do is substitute whatever is most troubling them in their life for the references to drugs and alcohol. (Some of the most spiritual people I know are people who are recovering from drugs and alcohol or other addictive behaviors.)

And if you've got a thing about the word "God," then try substituting "higher power" or whatever floats your boat as long as it recognizes that there is more to this life and what goes on in it than is dreamt of in your philosophy. Because one of our biggest problems in the spiritual malaise that has always been with us is the idea that we, ourselves, are omnipotent and don't need anyone else. We're not. And we're not supposed to be. And we do. And frankly, that's quite a load off, when you think about it.